Dear Taurus

http://www.metrolyrics.com/you-may-be-right-lyrics-billy-joel.html

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Sometimes it feels like the last time I truly felt at home was before I moved to Austin…

In your arms.

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declaration of war

Today I declare war on my Identity. I need to rewire who I am again. For the sake of l-ve.

I am the possibility of love, fulfillment, intimacy, contribution, sharing, true connection and commitment. I am the possibility of authenticity.

I am feverish and resentful, weighed down by a knapsack overfull and dragging a blocky and wheeled luggage-case behind me as I search the third floor of the Canal Place Mall for bathrooms.

There’s such an avalanche of old patterns rearing their ugly heads in my chills-from-within state, a spike of old desires to push everyone away and go it alone…because “that’s all I am anyway…alone.”

My mother contributes an idea through text, and with the help of “Victor,” I found a place to lay my head for that layover between buses, and the space and time to grab some ibuprofen and Dayquil to beat back the fever.

But there is a distinguished moment. The accumulated weight of the year behind me, with all those tangents and vicissitudes and l-vers and struggles and possibilities dragged into no less than six Landmark courses in the hopes of fulfillment…

I remember the gray of the hallway as the tears suddenly creep into my eyes. She is worth all of this struggle. The tears still grab me even now recounting like a hand squeezing my stomach. She is worth all of this. Were she only to know how much I l-ve her, how I created a grand neurological trap that I have so much work ahead of me to escape from, if only to become the man she could l-ve…

What manner of mischief is this? That my brain should spend a year tricking itself into pursuing the strongest possible natural drive as a way of hiding from itself what it truly wants, to make it the most difficult endeavor merely to admit, much less to pursue, the l-vemaking-in-the-context-of-L-ve that is the most worthwhile of all desires to fulfill here?….madness. Simple madness.

I’ve always wanted the kind of relationship that Korey has, from the moment I learned of how happy he was to be with his girl. The way his girlfriend showed up, and he shared at work how they couldn’t stop making l-ve…he had an extraordinary running tally of like 100 sessions in a matter of a few weeks, and stories of broken headboards……

It’s not the variety that matters. It’s the quality. I’d rather die holding you, whoever you are, in my arms…then leap over and over from partner to partner ad infinitum. I beg of you, hold the space for me. Wait for me, please!

One direction it could’ve all gone after he’d seen the code and…conquered Agent Smith, in that first fateful battle of the stopped bullets and the spoon-no-longer-real: he is alone with the code to do his bidding. He can create a world of servants and sycophants…stuck in a narcissistic solipsism.

There’s something brutally important about how Trinity breathes life into him with her l-ve. Draws him out of himself and into the world…where would he have been without her?

Being with others, being in communication…these are goods in and of themselves for humans. Being in action, too…but writing, thought…can be a certain kind of action. At least there is a record that I struggled to understand.

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Her to me: “The mere thought of hearing your voice turns me on like no other man has been able to accomplish. It’s unprecedented”!

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Casaneo

I have been reborn.

Casanova meets Neo.

Casaneo

Thank you, ILP. I get it. I am the possibility of love and contribution and this is expressed as a new form of Casanova that I create, distinguishing myself once and for all from “the historical Casanova.”

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Expiration Date

The Nova Project is on its fourth iteration. It shall be done soon.

Approximately April 7, 2014.

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Integrity

There is so much power in just saying, “I’m going to do this,” and then DOING THAT THING, regardless of how you think or feel about it while you’re doing it or preparing to do it or whatever.

Right now, from nothing, who I am is the possibility of being Casanova!!!

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Measure, structure for fulfillment

When will I be “done” with this? When will it have been blissfully integrated into an ongoing and passionate self-expression that does not require any more extra attention and energy and time, such that my action in the world leading to success is effortless?

Whenever it’s complete.

Each time I reach a new level, it feels like there’s so much more to do. My student has surpassed me in so many respects that he now teaches and is handsomely paid for that.

I am inspired to aspire to more.

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S = Kali

intellect spins cries out
ego holds on for dear life

(even when i leave her
she doesn’t seem to leave me)

breathless hope for

knowing nothing that’s coming in the future

predict nothing

attach to nothing

l-ve. nothing.

“I am Nothing,” spoke the goddess Kali (CCXX I:21)…

 

“Who am I and what shall be the sign?”

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Slight head pressure/ache. Wine.

Dullness in thought.

I no longer just want to get laid. Yes, sex feels wonderful and is fun and enjoyable, but I want and have always wanted more than just sex. I’ve wanted sharing, connection, intimacy, love, to be known and to know…and I feel that desire being killed off, over time, through the casual and the mundaneness of the kinds of sex I’ve been having.

Again, I am the possibility of being with my ideal lover. And actually feeling her. And actually being WITH her fully.

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